Mary-Sues and Other General Oddness
by Acacia Xavia
Summary: Evil pop singers, one of Lucius' - er - weirder ideas, and Severus in a rather bizarre situation - not to mention outfit. Yep, you guessed it - a challenge response by yours truly!


Challenge, as given by Nick  
  
Rules:  
  
Someone of the male persuasion must be in a drill squad/majorette uniform  
  
The words "Who the flying cake stole my cheese?" must be uttered  
  
It must have something resembling a plot, coherence is optional  
  
There must be a reference to Spy Groove, however obscure  
  
Britney Spears must make a cameo  
  
There must be one house of focus. The other houses are not to be mentioned. Crowd scenes count as a mention. Individuals do not.  
  
There must be a Mary Sue reference  
  
There must be a reference to present-day time while still in MWPP time.  
  
Someone must assault someone/thing with a butterknife.  
  
  
  
  
  
This all happened a really long time ago. We're talking ancient history, people. As in, more than ten years ago. Way back. It was a really long time ago. But then, I've already said that, and you probably think I'm stalling.  
  
Lucius, Severus, and all those other guys who are now parental units, were in fourth year. At the moment in question, they were getting ready for the Yule Ball at Hogwarts. Lucius had his dress robes on, as did most of the other guys who had been anticipating this for the months before term started. At the moment, Lucius was depressed. You might be asking yourself, "Self, why did he have reason to be depressed?" Because Narcissa - that slut - was going to the ball with Avery. ((Yes, Avery. Why? Because I'd be devoid of a semi-plot otherwise.)) So that was why Lucius was standing outside the dorms waiting for Severus to finish getting dressed so that they could both go stag. But not totally stag. They didn't want to look dateless. Which is what they were anyway. I don't know, it's "14-year-old guy" logic; don't ask me to explain it.  
  
Anyway.  
  
"Damn, Sev, you finished getting dressed yet?!" Lucius yelled, pounding his fist against the door.  
  
"You get going. I'll catch up. Maybe. When no one is out there. And it's dark," came the reply.  
  
If there's one thing you must know about Lucius, it's probably not what I'm going to tell you. But if there's two things, you need to know not to piss him off when he's depressed. He kicked the door in and then he stood there with his hands clasped before him, Spy Groove style. And gaped. ((what? …what?!))  
  
"Sev…are you wearing your older sister's military drill squad uniform for a reason?"  
  
Severus, who was not at all happy, replied, "No, Lucius, I enjoy looking stupid in public. I live for looking stupid in public. My entire pathetic life is centered around looking stupid in public."  
  
"Oh. Really?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Well, you said…"  
  
"Shut up, Lucius. I apparently was a bit pre-occupied while packing. That should be obvious. What solution have you arrived at to remedy the current predicament - "  
  
"The words, dammit!" Lucius said, gripping his head in the style of one with a massive migraine.  
  
Severus rolled his eyes. "Okay. What the hell do I do about this?"  
  
"Better." Lucius looked up and studied Severus', uh, 'outfit'. "Well, you look really cute in the short skirt, Sev, but I think we oughta lengthen it…and then…"  
  
A few minutes later, Lucius stepped back to admire his work. Severus just stared at him.  
  
"At least it's not so bad…"  
  
"Lucius, I still look like a girl. You've even done my hair up in…" he shoved Lucius aside to get a decent look in the mirror. "Oh how freaking cute, I have a braid. With ribbons. I look like a chick."  
  
Lucius snapped his fingers and looked at Severus with that expression that only means…  
  
"Oh shit, I've given him an idea," Severus said despairingly. Lucius either ignored this or just plain didn't notice. It's hard to tell with him sometimes. This was one of those times.  
  
"You'll be my date!" Severus started to protest, but Lucius just kept going. "You can go down there as a girl - you look close enough already - and both of us won't be dateless anymore!"  
  
Severus made an odd choking sound and said "And who the hell will I be? Your girlfriend who flew in from out of the country?"  
  
"Yeah!" Lucius exclaimed. "You'll be my girlfriend from, uh, Madrid! Yeah, Madrid! And your name will be…"  
  
"Lucius, Sev, you coming?!" MacNair yelled from the foot of the stairs.  
  
Before Severus could point out how no one in their right mind would fall for it, Lucius had grabbed him by the hand and dragged him out into the common room.  
  
"It's about time," MacNair said loudly.  
  
"Who's the chick, Lucius?" Avery asked, staring at Severus.  
  
"You dolt, it's Se - "  
  
Severus punched him in the back of the head, then gave the other boys the sweetest look he could muster under the circumstances.  
  
"Um…it's Serafina Juanita Carmelita Susana Tijuana Mexicali Chavez Cordero" - Severus punched him again - "…Gonzalez" Lucius finished, glaring at Severus and rubbing the back of his head. "But you can call her, uh, Mary Sue. She's from Madrid."  
  
"Mary Sue…I've known a lot of those…" said Avery. "It's a bit of a common name around here. Odd that you should have it too…especially since you have such a long given name."  
  
"Uh…" was all Severus managed to get out. Lucius realized that Severus' voice was nowhere near high enough, so he moved back slightly and punched Severus where it counts.  
  
"OOH…thank you…" Severus said in what was quite possibly the highest falsetto ever uttered by a guy within the walls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
"You guys are a bit - ah - abusive of each other, aren't you?" MacNair said doubtfully.  
  
"Oh no," Severus said, still in the abnormally high falsetto that comes with massive pain, especially guy-pain. "We love each other very much…" He punctuated this sentence by punching Lucius in the back of the head again.  
  
"You speak English real good," Avery observed. "I'm sure you speak Spanish even better."  
  
"Ohhhh…enchilada," Severus said, giggling nervously while trying to keep the falsetto going.  
  
"Oh wow, we really should be going…" Lucius said hurriedly. "I heard the Headmaster was bringing us someone special for the music and entertainment. It'll be interesting, right guys? Let's go, Mary Sue!" And with that, Lucius took off with Severus in tow. Severus allowed himself to be dragged down to the Great Hall.  
  
As soon as all of the Slytherins entered the Great Hall, something felt a bit…odd.  
  
"Doesn't it feel like the room should be more…full…somehow?" Avery asked.  
  
"Nah…I think it's just us," Lucius said. "Hey, I wonder who our entertainment is. There's no one performing yet." He pointed at the empty stage.  
  
Just then, the Headmaster of the school, who isn't exceedingly relevant to much but just felt like being there, came onto the stage and yelled to the Hall that held, incidentally, only Slytherins, "Are you ready for the enterta-hey, who's the new girl?"  
  
Severus went scarlet ((which clashed horribly with his drill team dress/robe/thingy)) and Lucius said "This is my girlfriend, she's visiting from abroad. His -er- her name is Mary Sue."  
  
"Mary Sue," mused the Headmaster. "We seem to get a lot of those. Anyway. This is your entertainment for the night! We booked her, and she's coming clear from the year 2002, the one, the only…" The Headmaster gestured with his wand toward a totally random curtain that smelled vaguely of cloves and fishsticks. Why anyone cared what it smelled like is beyond me.  
  
No one was quite sure what was supposed to happen. All they knew is what did happen.  
  
A curly-haired fourth-year boy that no one had ever seen before appeared and yelled "Who the flying cake stole my cheese?!" The boy jumped down from the stage and landed on Lucius Malfoy. "YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?!…hey, who's the ugly chick?"  
  
"Mary Sue," Lucius choked out weakly, since the boy was beginning to cut off his oxygen flow.  
  
"Mary Sue? There seems to be a lot of those…"  
  
"Justin Finch-Fletchley!" came another yell from behind the curtain. A bushy haired girl, a boy with glasses and a scar on his face, and a tall boy with red hair came out from behind the curtain, and they all grabbed Justin off of Lucius and they disappeared to wherever the hell it was they came from.  
  
"Well, that was random," said the Headmaster, as Lucius picked himself up from the floor. "Anyhow. Your real entertainment for tonight is, clear from the year 2002, the one, the only…" He pointed his wand at the curtain again, and he clearly uttered "holy crap let this work" before yelling the name of the girl who walked out from behind that same, totally random curtain that smelled vaguely of cloves and fishsticks.  
  
"BRITNEY SPEARS!"  
  
Every male that was in the room promptly tripped over their tongues trying to get to the stage. She was in next to no clothing, and the guys liked that. The girls all wanted to kill Britney - that bitch - especially Narcissa - that slut - who wanted to kill her because Lucius apparently liked Britney more than her. She grabbed a totally random butterknife from a totally random table and lunged at the stage. She was in the process of assaulting Britney Spears - that bitch - when Severus jumped onstage and pulled her away. Narcissa - that slut - ended up on the ground, and Britney gave Severus an odd look before asking "And your name would be…?"  
  
Lucius yelled, "Mary Sue!" from the ground, trying to get Britney's attention again.  
  
"Mary Sue?" Britney asked. "I know a lot of those…never met a lesbian one before though."  
  
Severus fell over, anime-style, and Britney then proceeded to do the worst thing imaginable.  
  
"OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN, I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEAAAART…"  
  
There was complete havoc. The room was full of scared, screaming Slytherins ((A/N: alliteration. Hee.)) "Oh my freaking gods! Make it stop! Make it stop! NASAL! NASAL!" was all that was heard for about twenty minutes. Severus finally picked up the butterknife and screamed "SHUT UP, YOU NASAL BIZNATCH!" forgetting about the falsetto entirely. Britney stopped singing promptly and sputtered, "She's…she's…that chick's a guy…" before dying from utter shock.  
  
The entire Slytherin house just sort of stared at Severus, finally realizing him for what he was.  
  
And all he could say was "A-heh. Oh shit."  
  
***  
  
A long time after, when Draco "Sexy Bitch" Malfoy ((as Miss Kim would say)) was in HIS fourth year, his father, Lucius Malfoy, heard the sounds that brought back so many memories…  
  
"OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN…"  
  
He stormed into his son's room and demanded to know what was going on.  
  
"Well, Father," Draco explained, "over the course of my fourth year, I was exposed to the sounds of this hot chick named Britney Spears. So this girl I know gave me this…disc…ish…thing…so that I could listen to her all the time!"  
  
"And what was this…'girl's' NAME, the one who gave you the gods- damned disc…ish…thing?!" Lucius demanded, trying to control himself but failing miserably.  
  
Draco replied, "Mary Sue. There seem to be a lot of those…" 


End file.
